Who am I and What the F*ck am I Doing Here?

Throughout my life I have had a really hard time sharing personal things about myself with anyone, especially strangers on the internet. Accordingly, I tend to write about topics like Earth magick, the laws of the Universe, healthy living, and so on. However, lately I have been doing some major inner work and have been having a hard time finding inspiration to write about anything outside of the inner workings of my own psyche. So, in an attempt to break down some of my walls I have decided to start sharing my personal journey through spiritual ascension and taming of my mind.


After waking up from many years of self induced slumber I was confronted with the realization that the ‘reality’ which we have collectively created for ourselves is so far from what IS actually real that we have completely lost ourselves in this illusion. Since then I have pretty much thrown everything that I ‘thought’ I knew about myself out of the proverbial window. So now, once again, I am left to wonder- who am I and what the f*ck am I doing here?

As my consciousness expands beyond the third dimension I am starting to realize that my interests and desires are changing as well. The frustration for me lies in finding the balance between nurturing a multi-dimensional consciousness and living in a 3 dimensional world.


The main issues that trouble me can be divided into three categories.

1. Integration

On the one hand I know that there is so much more to us than the physical body. We are eternal light beings here on earth to experience a physical existence. The more we align with our higher (eternal) selves the easier life on this physical plane becomes. Our eternal self doesn’t give a crap about financial and/or social status, what we wear, what we drive, what we label ourselves, etc. Those are all standards and beliefs set forth by a third dimensional consciousness.

On the other hand I know that money, clothing, cars, and so on have become necessities to ensure survival in the world that we have created. However, since beginning my journey towards alignment with my higher self I am finding that I am having a hard time staying motivated and focused on elevating my financial status to such an extreme that sometimes I just want to get rid of everything I ‘own’ and go live in a tree in the forest. This has been causing me to be ineffective in many facets of my life including business and personal relationships.

2. Shedding the Ego

The ego is a third dimensional persona that we accept as being who we are. The ego is primarily driven by fear, which is a false emotion that is ingrained in us from the time we are born. We are taught to fear the unknown, and currently to humans virtually everything is unknown. We are told that in order to be ‘safe’ we must be successful, and in order to be successful we must follow certain guidelines; Get a high paying job, get married, have children, disregard everything you don’t understand, and believe and do only what you are told.

As I am starting to become more and more mindful of my own ego I am finding that most of my decisions up until this point have been based on fear rather than inner truth. Yet, the moment I start to live my life in alignment with my eternal self, external forces bombard me with fear once again. My thoughts go from ‘I am happy no matter what and anything is possible’ to ‘you need to do this or that in order to be successful and happy.’ And so the viscous cycle continues.

3. Co-creating

Through this awakening I have come to understand that we create our reality. It’s the fundamental law of the Universe. What you think about and believe you inevitable bring forth into your life. This makes us all co-creators of our own lives as well as our collective life here on earth. The problem for me is that since I am still in a battle between my ego and my higher self, I do not have consistent thoughts and am unable to hold onto any beliefs for long enough to see them manifest. So I am left to feel as though I am stuck in limbo and am unable to progress and live out my divine purpose. This causes a lot of frustration within me.

Final Note

With all that said, I know that I am not alone in this struggle, and perhaps most importantly, I know that there are many people who have dealt with these issues and have found a way to overcome them, allowing them to live in abundance while fulfilling their life purpose. So, I guess all hope is not lost, and I will figure it out eventually. And so will all of you who are dealing with similar struggles.

Light and Love!!


Hi! I'm Irina (Irie) and I started this site as a way to document and share information that I have found useful in my own personal journey towards physical and psychological healing, soul awakening and higher states of consciousness. I am an artist, writer, alchemist, and spiritual student on a lifelong pursuit to attain complete balance between the mind, body and soul. I believe that by coming into complete alignment with oneself we become capable of achieving a harmonious and abundant life. My goal is to encourage everyone to heal and align themselves in order to finally live the life they dream of.

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2 Responses

  1. Jeanne says:

    As you said, your struggle is also the struggle of others. At this point, the best thing I can say is to live your life with what ‘feels’ right. We all have a purpose. More often than not, what we were drawn to as children or teens or even young adults is what we are meant to do. I have always been nudged by the Universe towards plants and healing and writing. It was until many, many moons had passed that I realized that was my purpose. to disseminate information to others and to further my skills/abilities in healing with the power within us all. Meditate on what troubles you and the answer will be given.

    • Irie says:

      I have also been nudged towards plants, healing, and art of all forms. I’ve definitely been starting to feel that healing is a big part my purpose here, which is the biggest reason that I started questioning my current career choice (web/graphic design). However, I am starting to let go of ‘work’ and do more of what I love (art, horticulture, healing, etc.) and it feels great!

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